Call of the Green Monster

Francona and Henry Exchange Eyeglasses

While fans never see Terry Francona wearing eyeglasses while managing a game, it is quite common to see him wearing them in nearly any other setting.  With his bald head, some say the glasses give him a Ghandi-like look.  It is perhaps for this reason that John Henry recently approached Francona and asked if he would be interested in exchanging eyeglasses.
           “It’s my own stupid fault,” an exasperated Francona said.  “He’s always sneaking up behind me and I’ll turn around and see those spooky eyes of his looking right through me.  He’s got some dopey pair of glasses on, these designer things that are supposed to be cool but look like something my Aunt Edna would wear.  I couldn’t think of anything else to say, so I complimented him on the glasses.”
           It was then that Henry suggested the trade, telling Francona that the glasses reminded him of a famous mystical leader from a small village in southern India who counseled him to buy the Red Sox. Henry was so taken by his new look, that he hasn’t even taken time to change the prescription yet, and is seen frequently walking into walls and bumping people. 
          Francona, meanwhile, is in a panic over what to do with the glasses. “There’s no way on God’s green earth I’m wearing these things anywhere in public,” he said nervously, explaining that he planned to tell Henry he lost the glasses.  “He's owner of the team, what choice did I have?  These things though, I'm tellin' ya, they have a chain in the back so you can wear them around your neck.  I look like an elderly librarian for crying out loud.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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COTGM Exclusive: Remy Tried to Sell Jerry Remy Night to Highest Bidder

It was a nice ceremony the other night at Fenway Park when the Red Sox honored analyst and multi-billionaire salesman Jerry Remy for 20 years of broadcasting the Red Sox.  But Call of the Green Monsterhas learned that Remy, who has been warned about inappropriate selling of products before, actually tried to sell Jerry Remy Night to the highest bidder, and only last minute intervention prevented an embarassment.
                     “Yeah, I did it, what’s the big deal,” Remy said with a casual shrug when confronted with the information.  “Having a ceremony means nothing to me, doesn’t put a dime in my pocket.  So I put a notice on my website that the highest bidder could have the night switched to their name.  I mean, do people actually think there’s something wrong with that?”
           Tom Werner, Chairman of the Red Sox and brainchild of the event apparently thought so.  “He came to me that afternoon, and just drops this bombshell on me that it’s now going to be Fred Davis Night because he sold it to him,” an exasperated Werner said.  “I’m telling you, Remy has a problem.  We gave Fred Davis two monster seats and all the beer he could drink, and he dropped the whole thing.”
           Remy remained unrepentant.  “Listen, I’d sell Orsillo in a heartbeat if I could,” he said, and then paused thoughtfully for a moment.  “I don’t think I’d get much for him, but hell, it’s worth a try.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Beckett Vows to Clean Up His Language

To say that Josh Beckett is a high intensity individual would be an understatement.  If Josh has a bad outing, you would be well advised to keep your puppy out of his way for fear of its life. A large part of his high-intensity make-up includes his frequent profane tirades, which often come with little provocation.  His post-game press conferences are so replete with f-bombs that, once edited, there is little to actually quote him on. Even when leading a team pre-game prayer earlier this season, Beckett needed to be calmed by teammates and reminded that f-bombs might not be proper way to address the Almighty.
           Last night, Beckett for the first time seemed somewhat remorseful when reminded of his foul language.  “There’s no excuse for it,” he said, lip trembling while tears welled in his eyes.  “The English language is such a beautiful thing.  When spoken well, words flow like pure poetry.   And here I go soiling things with my awful language.  Well, I’m going to change.  And I’m going to put my money where my mouth is.”  He thus launched a program “F-bombs for the Jimmy Fund” by which he will donate $1,000 for every such expletive that he speaks.
           “From a charity standpoint, this is a wonderful idea for Josh,” said Larry Lucchino.  “But, having heard the guy visit elementary schools and having to be asked to leave, it’s going to be hard on his wallet.”
            When Curt Schilling heard of the program, he asked Josh if he would donate some of the money to Curt’s Pitch for ALS.  “F@#! off,” Beckett quickly retorted, and the first donation to the Jimmy Fund was launched. 

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Schilling Will Blog During Shoulder Surgery

With the Friday announcement that Curt Schilling will have season, and perhaps career, ending surgery today, the Red Sox may have come to the end of an era.  But on the bright side, Schilling’s blogging career will continue to surge on.  In fact, the hefty right-hander stressed today that fans can look forward to up-to-minute accounts of his surgery in his blog.  Schilling, eschewing anesthesia as “something for wimps,” plans to write about the surgery as it is taking place.
           “The doctors are against it, but I told them I’m doing it anyway,” a defiant Schilling said.  “Hell, I pitched with a tendon hanging out of my ankle, so how much worse will this be?”
           Schilling said he will make his first report when the first cut into the skin is made, and will give follow-up reports as the skin is flayed and cut and torn open to allow reparations to be made.  Doctors have said that if blood supply slips low, so may Schilling's coherence. “It’ll be a little hard to type when my bicep is basically going to be hanging from a string, so someone might take over from there,” he explained.  He will also call in to Dennis and Callahan on WEEI.  “I just hope Dennis can shut up long enough to let me talk, and Callahan can keep his progressive views on race relations to himself.”  When final exploration of the rotator cuff is complete, Schilling will describe the process at length and when he is finally sewn shut, he will provide an in-depth summary of the process complete with his views on how the surgery went.
           When asked if the idea is extreme, Schilling laughed.  “This is some gutsy journalism,” he said.  “Could you imagine Shaughenssy trying something like this?  If he had a boil removed from his ass—and from his personality you’d think that’s a daily thing—he’d be put under for a week.  I’m a warrior to the end.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Red Sox Plan to Thwart Celtics Victory Parade

With memories of the glories of their own victory parades still dancing in their heads, the vindictive Boston Red Sox management have announced a special plan designed to limit attendance to the Celtics victory parade at 11:00 today.  Sox management last night put out word that at 11:00 today, just when the Celtics parade is due to start, the Red Sox box office will be open and will offer thousands of free tickets to future games this season, including Yankees tickets.
           “We expect half the city to show up at Fenway today,” Larry Lucchino said with a wink.  “People will forget pretty quickly about the Celtics.  Hell, they didn’t even come close to having the same number of arrests at their post-championship celebration, so who really cares about the Celtics?  I said it before, I’ll say it again—we’re the show.  And we'll take any measures to make sure it stays that way.”
            When asked how these Red Sox tickets became available when tickets are sold-out all year, and how they plan to give them for free, Lucchino just grinned.  “Well of course there are no tickets available!” he growled.  “But people won’t find that out until they miss the Celtics parade, which is the whole point of the plan.”
           Will this dastardly plan have a backlash?  “You mean will people stop coming to Red Sox games?” Lucchino asked, before breaking into convulsions of laughter.  “Yeah,” he howled.  “We’re really worried about that.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Red Sox Food Vendor Denies Rat Infestation Allegations

In a follow up to mass allegations of improper food storage and rat infestation around areas where food is prepared, Aramark, the Red Sox food vendor service, yesterday strongly denied the rat infestation charge in an interview with Call of the Green Monster.
           “We strongly deny that we have an uncontrollable rat problem and that these creatures have infested our food supply,” said an Aramark spokesman.  “Instead, people need to understand that we have formed a simple partnership of sorts with the rats.”
           He went on to explain that because the food is admittedly prepared in barbaric methods and that there is a serious risk of poisoning, Aramark, in preparing any food, first feeds a sample of it to the rats.  “If they live, we then feel safe feeding it to the crowd.  If they die, we inspect it further.  If we have overwhelming proof that the food is unsafe for human consumption, we try cooking it a little more—and then if it’s still poisonous, we throw it out.  Safety, as you can see, is of the utmost importance to us.”
           Larry Lucchino seemed pleased with the explanation.  “That sounds like a logical and well thought out response,” he said with a shrug.  Would Lucchino ever let a family member eat Fenway Park food?  He smiled wickedly for a moment.  “Only if they started rooting for the Yankees.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Sox Vow to Keep Rats Away from Food Preparation Areas

When the news came out yesterday that the Red Sox food vendor had been cited for numerous violations, few were surprised.  After all, it was hardly earth-shattering news that Fenway Park food is cooked in luke-warm water, mold and foul odors are rampant, and rodent droppings have been seen in areas where food was being prepared.  Most fans are proud that they’ve been eating this food for years and have apparently built up a resistance to disease.
           But the Red Sox braintrust were particularly disturbed to learn the close proximity the rodents apparently had to the food that was being served.  “Don’t get me wrong,” said Larry Lucchino, “mass famine couldn’t get me to eat a Fenway Frank—or any other grease-drenched crap we serve.  But knowing that the rats are just inches away—or closer—to where the food is being prepared is disturbing.” Lucchino has claimed that in the past the Sox have gone through what he termed “negotiations” with the rats at Fenway, designed to set some boundaries.  “We pretty much let them have the run of the place in the stands when the crowds are gone,” he said.  “If they see a half-eaten hot dog on the ground, who am I to deprive a hungry rat of a meal?  They've got families to feed, too. Plus, it cuts down on clean-up costs for us.  But they’ve gotten a little too big for their britches.  We’ll be cracking down.”
           Lucchino announced that any rat seen within ten feet of where food is being prepared will be evicted from the park.  “They’ll be separated from their families, and forced to forage for food on the street just like any other rat,” said a firm Lucchino.  “They want to leave these droppings all over the place? Let them go back to their own burrows and do it—don’t be so disrespectful as to do it right near where we serve food.”
           Lucchino believes the he and the rats can live together, as long as there are certain understandings.  “I realize the temptations these rats feel in being so close to the stinking, rotting, disgusting food that proves so tempting to their tastebuds,” Lucchino conceded.  “Yes, we can live in peace.  Hell, we have Yankees fans who come to Fenway—what could be more disgusting than that?”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Sox Move Thursday Start Time to 9:00 So No One Will Watch Celtics

The spirit of goodwill the Red Sox exhibited in moving start times back to 6:00 to accommodate fans wishing to see the 9:00 Celtics-Lakers championship matchup has apparently ended.  In a decision fueled by basic economic considerations and pure jealously, Larry Lucchino announced today that he will  move the start of Thurday’s game ahead two hours to prevent Sox fans from seeing the Celtics game.
           “It does us absolutely no good to go out of our way to be nice,” Lucchino said emphatically.  “We noticed that revenues are down, because people have to leave work early to get here for 6:00, and don’t have nearly as much time before the game to get drunk buying our overpriced beers on Yawkey Way.  That ruins our whole strategy of having fans come into the park drunk, so they don’t mind getting ripped off by all the other stuff we sell them.”
           But money isn’t the only reason for this vindictive course of action.  “Hey the Red Sox are the biggest show in town,” he growled.  “We’re the story.  We win championships the hard way, not against a bunch of LA wusses.  They better take the next two in LA so they can get the hell out of our way.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Undercover Report Reveals Red Sox Fight Each Other Constantly

The brief skirmish in the Red Sox dugout last week between Kevin Youkilis and Manny Ramirez was downplayed by the team.  We were told that during the long seasons tempers sometimes flare and tensions are bound to soar at times.  But Call of the Green Monster learned, by illegally placing a hidden camera in the Red Sox locker room, that fighting is going on almost constantly with the team.
           Just moments after the camera was turned on, one could see Terry Francona and Brad Mills teasing each other about who had less hair.  But within seconds the joking turned serious, and Francona finally clocked Mills with a solid left to the jaw.  With blood spurting from his mouth, Mills answered with a jab followed by a solid right to the midsection, before several players jumped in.  While peace was being restored, Josh Beckett, for no apparent reason, kicked Kevin Cash in the groin.  Mike Timlin was seen holding a grenade threateningly.
           The tape revealed constant fighting among players, coaches, trainers, and even an ugly brawl that started with John Henry and Tom Werner throwing haymakers at each other, and evolved as Larry Lucchino jumped in and Theo Epstein pulled a Jonny Gomes and pummeled Lucchino was he was being held by players. Another disturbing incident occurred when Curt Schilling punched Daisuke Matsuzaka's translator in the mouth, claiming that this is America and people should speak English.  "I do speak English!" said the bloodied translator.  "Daisuke's the guy you should be punching."
           “It’s all about blowing off steam,” said Francona when COTGM showed the tape to him.  “Heck Pedroia and I are playing cribbage the other day, and I’m beating him as usual, and the next thing you know he sucker punches me.  I’m bleeding all over my office, before I grabbed the dirty little punk and pounded him good.  He might end up on the DL, but like I said, these things are good for teams in the long run.  You hold it in, and things’ll really get out of control.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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As She Announces Departure, John Henry Reveals Disturbing Obsession with Hazel Mae

It was almost impossible not to notice a particularly morose-looking John Henry walking through Fenway Park on the morning Hazel Mae announced she would be leaving the Red Sox. When a Call of the Green Monster reporter approached him to inquire as to what the problem was, Henry looked up, and with tear-filled eyes said hoarsely, “She’s leaving.  Hazel will be gone.  I can hardly breathe.  When we lost Michelle Damon, that was sad.  Tina Cervasio, tragic, but I could manage.  But Hazel, oh Hazel, the meaning of life is slipping away.”
           To demonstrate the depths of his sadness, Henry led the reporter through a deep runway into the underground of Fenway Park.  The intrepid reporter trudged on, despite seeing rats the size of wolves, which Henry advised him not to make eye contact with.  Finally they arrived at a steel reinforced door.  “You must understand, Hazel is part of me,” said Henry, taking him into a spooky-looking room with candles lit, incense burning, and thousands upon thousands of pictures of Mae on the wall—some apparently had been extensively photoshopped to include him.  In the center of the room seemed to be an altar of some sort.
          “She reminds me of a women I fell madly in love with while on a soul-revelation retreat in Indonesia during which the inner dimensions and eternal qualities of love were revealed to me,” Henry said, with a stranger-than-usual look in his eyes. “Unfortunately, that woman screamed when she saw me, and local tribesman chased me out of the village.  But Hazel, she smiles back at me.  She can never leave, she remains locked in an eternal bond with me that will never be severed.  Our hearts share the same blood! I will walk to the ends of the earth for Hazel.”
           When reminded that if he simply met her salary demands she likely would stay at NESN, Henry broke from his trance-like state and seemed indignant.  “I’m not paying her another dime.  What the hell broadcast talent does she have, except preening suggestively at the camera, driving me wild?  We can get another, cheaper, news bunny in here any day.  No, money will not keep us together.”  The trance-like quality returned as Henry added, “The immortality of our love will.” His eyes then transformed, glowing in a bizarre reddish-yellow hue.  “Time to go.”