At a press conference early this morning, the New York Yankees, citing a revelation from God, have announced that Derek Jeter will ascend into heaven after his final game Sunday at Fenway Park.
"I think we can all agree that as the savior of the world, the guy deserves this," said Yankee GM Brian Cashman. "I mean, c'mon, the other guy who saved the world ascended into heaven, why not Derek?"
Jeter, meanwhile, is excited by the news. "I sold my condo last night, and I'm ready to go right after the game," he said. "I'm kinda sick of getting all these gifts and stuff. But going to spend eternity in heaven? Pretty cool. And well deserved for someone like me."